He Loves Me Not
by Rowi
Summary: A different look at what really goes on inside Muraki's head.


Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei does NOTbelong to me!!! If it did, let's just say that Hisoka would have turned out to be a LOUSY poker player... especially with so much at stake......!  
  
~PLEASE READ ME!~ This is just a brief look into what hides behind that pale, self-assured poker face that Muraki has mastered so well. It's... a little different, to say the least, but this is the Muraki I see. Please note that he's having a conversation with himself while typing the whole thing on the computer. It might be kind of confusing, but I'm going for an overall feeling here. And please, please don't flame me. All flames will be used to make Muraki some yummy hot cocoa so he can cheer up a bit. ^.~ Coz I WUV MURAKI! NYAH!  
  
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~He Loves Me Not~  
  
Sometimes I just hate myself.  
  
I'm such a terrible person. Just awful. Always scaring that sweet Tsuzuki away like that. I think about so many things that I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. I started wondering about this when I heard a line from an innocent Christmas song; All I Want for Christmas is You. "All that I want can't be found underneath a Christmas tree."  
  
//Like hell it can't//  
  
I then, of course, continued on to imagine a certain someone with a bow around his neck. I'm terrible. I feel so alone at night; I can't sleep with that looming loneliness. I need to feel..... I need to feel wanted, needed, by someone who has no obligation to do so. I have fantasies about people..... someone, anyone, though hardly ever an actual person. Except for Tsuzuki... yet even in my fantasies, he shies away from my touch.  
  
//I'm a monster. //  
  
Fake, false faces... figments of my imagination, they are the only beings capable of loving me so unconditionally, knowing how I always feel and following me with complete devotion, and without being compelled to do so by any other force than sheer love and admiration. Care. My darling puppets are the only ones. My mindless dolls.  
  
//No one can love a monster...//  
  
No one can forgive me for all of the things that I've done. No one can forget. No one can see past any of that...  
  
//no one......//  
  
I hate being around people, yet I don't want to be lonely. I wince as if in pain at unexpected physical contact, yet I want to hold him...my darling Tsuzuki... until all of his troubles go away and he loses himself in my arms. ...I want him to embrace me back, willingly. I know that the horrid walking paradox that is myself can never be cared about in this way, no one wants to get inside my shell that much.  
  
//Then why don't you quit with the mind games and act like a normal person for once? //  
  
Tsuzuki is so sweet, so perfect.... but he hates me... he thinks I'm a heartless fiend....and whatever that violet-eyed god thinks must be the truth. Tsuzuki... I hate not being with you. I'm tired of feeling the pain; the consuming pain that breaks my heart every time I come home to my house, where I don't even want to be. I want to escape to my room, but when I get there, it's still empty, too. I hate it.  
  
//You deserve it. //  
  
I do deserve to be punished for my terrible thoughts and actions. So I punish myself. I attack myself, at night when no one can see me. When no one can see what's really going on in my head. I lie awake in my bed and claw angrily at my forearms, taking pleasure in the sharp sensation and the latticework of pink marks against my pale skin. I deserve it. I need it. I clench my fists so hard that my nails leave distorted crescents in my palms that remain visible for hours, and yet I continue this endless habit until my skin is raw from the elbow down and the dull burning pain is enough to take my mind off of things. I dig my blunt nails into my skin so angrily, angry at myself, hating myself for everything that is wrong with me. I wish I could draw blood. And I do. And it scares me.  
  
//You coward. You're afraid of the punishment you inflict upon yourself. Pitiful...//  
  
It scares me that Tsuzuki put himself through the same agony I do. The pain is too like a high-pitched scream in my brain, and it makes me want to die. I don't want him to have felt it. I wish I could erase his memories of those years in the hospital from his mind. I want to erase the crosshatched stigma of scars from his wrist. Maybe I could be able to do that someday...  
  
//And conduct more "research?" Your methods are what makes Tsuzuki hate you. Don't you have any respect for human life? For mankind? //  
  
No.  
  
What has man ever done for me?  
  
//You really are a psycho...//  
  
What if I told you that being crazy isn't that bad? Worse things have happened, you know. I'd much rather go completely insane than spend the rest of my life without that angel. I can't stand to be away from him. I love seeing that adorable confused look on his face...  
  
//.... //  
  
I don't want anyone to know about this, but I had to tell someone... something. So I'm back here with you, my stupid computer. Not that much unlike my sweet, sweet dolls. I talk to you like you can talk back. And in my mind, you do. I know that if anyone finds this out, they'll know that I'm crazy. But I trust you. My dolls will never betray me. You will keep my sweet secret until I tell you that it's okay to reveal it, or until some nosy evil dissects and pries you open and scrutinizes all that I have told you, and reads all of my files. All of that yaoi... I can't write it, but I can't stay away from it. I adore yaoi. It makes me feel like the impossible can happen, that someone can fall in love with me. I love how everything's so awkward, how to the characters it feels so wrong, and yet so right. You're breaking the unwritten rules, but you're doing it together, and that makes it all okay. Oh, how I love it. How I love it. How I wish that I could coax one of those amorous stories into reality! That Tsuzuki would come... to me... without being lured... and give himself to me completely.  
  
//But that, of course, will never happen. //  
  
No... it never will happen. What I've done is irreversible and unforgivable. Tsuzuki deserves so much better....  
  
//That's right. Tsuzuki will never come to you because Tsuzuki despises you. You fiend! Filth! Tsuzuki deserves the very best, and that's far more than you have to offer. And, besides,.....//  
  
//No one can fall in love a monster...//  
  
....he loves me, he loves me not; he loves me, he loves me not; he loves me...... he loves me not.  
  
~FIN~ 


End file.
